i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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