and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
