plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
