Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She needs sedatives and a leash
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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