you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
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She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
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then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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