6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
