he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
