So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm really busy with my period
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