were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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