i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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