1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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