does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
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I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize