im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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