I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
