Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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