i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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