There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
