i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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