Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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