I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
