remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
