somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
