so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
