On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
