Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
