I looked at my own cervix.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
