community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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