All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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