There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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