yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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