you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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