so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
