tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you didnt know i had herpes?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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