Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
