Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
