Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
