I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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