How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
