My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
