True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
