I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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