I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
