I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
