Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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