Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
