I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
