i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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