You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
