Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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