i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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