I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
