I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
