Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
