i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
