I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
love makes seman taste better
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
