I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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