Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
