Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
