Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
