Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
