Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
