I think i peed on brittanys purse
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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